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It Won't Always Be This Way.....






 I really should have invested in frequent flyer miles. I used to think I wanted a career that allowed or even required travel from place to place via airways. It looks so sophisticated, rushing from the security check point to the gate. People dressed all business like and only having a small carry on and briefcase with a rolled up Wall Street Journal or USA Today tucked inside. Wait, do they still call them briefcases? 
 I admire the person who can conduct business amongst the crowd and noise. I'm too easily distracted and enjoy people watching way too much. After these past few months of flying here and there, I can now say, I am happy my job does not require me to travel. Well.... It does for the time being but.....it won't always be this way. Traveling isn't all that it's crack up to be. Delayed and canceled flights, deicing the wings, fuel leaks, baggage fees, security check holdups because " someone" forgot she had a bottle of water in her purse. Then there are the crabby employees that dislike their job. I could go on.
View from the window seat during a trip where we waited for deicing of the wings and a storm to pass.




This past weekend we flew back to Chicago and didn't get our seats together. In fact, we didn't even get the same group number to board. Jim went first, when I finally boarded the plane, I noticed he was in a middle seat. I couldn't help but chuckle knowing that I had an isle and how much he strongly dislikes the center seat.  I mean, who wants the center ? He likes to think that I do and that is why he "let's" me have the middle seat so I can talk to the person sitting next to me. I would never pick the middle  but I will typically give him the window or isle when we get seated next to each other. Except this time we were a few rows apart and no one seemed to want to switch with us. Or maybe he just wanted a break from me for a while since he wasn't feeling well and I was extra chatty this particular day.

 The lady that sat next to me was in route to St Louis from a vacation in Boston. Turns out she is studying to be a counselor. Oh perfect, I love this kind of stuff!  I smiled and of course had  to say "so is my son" and so began the small conversation about life. I was taken a bit by surprise when she told me she is an intern as a grievance counselor at a funeral home. Yikes! Then she went on to say " it's just a start up, grieving  comes in all shapes and sizes, we all grieve at some time and we grieve loss of relationships, jobs...."  I wanted to ask her to stop talking because as soon as she said that, I knew what she meant, which left me very nervous that the flood gates were going to open and she would have one hysterical stranger on her hands. Therefore, putting her schooling to the ultimate test...." grief comes in different shapes and sizes" Where have I heard that before? From the same dear friend of mine who has also told me on numerous occasions that " it won't always be this way" I guess after the year I've had I would have to agree with both.

 I feel silly when I say I'm grieving. I mean, by comparison this is nothing. I'm not at a funeral home seeking counsel over the loss of a loved one. I'm not grieving over a divorce or loss of a job (in fact just the opposite) and my health, as well as my families, couldn't be better.  But as I look back on the past several months, close to a year now; the loss has been pretty great too. Oh, I am thankful for all that I have and I realize that I'm very fortunately! But, I have experienced loss and the grieving process seems to have taken on a shape and size of its own. It is an emotion that is inevitable and it has snuck up on me in times when I least expect it. Such as the moment this lady sitting in the middle seat began talking to me about the subject. No, I didn't take advantage and squeeze out a free session from her. I just smiled in agreement to what she had to say, hoping I was hiding what was happening in heart. 

 I  don't believe in accidents or coincidences. I know God put me in the seat next to this lady who didn't have to say much to make me more aware of the grieving that is going on in my heart. I can stuff it as much as I want all day long but that's not going to change a thing. It's in there and it needs to come out. It's like a bandaid that has adhered to the tender skin and needs to be pulled off so that the healing can begin. The wounds need air and as long as that bandaid is suffocating them, they won't heal.

 I have often heard that in many difficult situations, admitting there is a problem is the hardest part but also the first step. So, here it goes- Houston, we have a problem! Not the grieving but the stuffing of it. I'm grieving! It hurts! It hurts to be away from my family, my friends, my ministry, my church, my comfort of what was and I still miss my Molly, that stupid, lovable, fury, fat dog (  and there go the flood gates) 

 But once again, God is showing me who He is in all of this. First of all, I am not alone, even though I might feel like it at times. He is constantly with me. He proves that in the simplest ways, such as putting me next to a lady on the plane who out of the blue, basically says... " You're grieving and it's ok! In fact it's to be expected, it's normal and even needs to happen." And because I know and trust Him at His Word I also know that He is good, He has a plan and a purpose for my life. He will see me through this. My hope is in Him. His Word says "  ....for everything there is a season..... "  including (but not limited to) -A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance. (Ecclesiastes 3:4 NLT)

 So, I can trust that just like my sophisticated job at the moment... It won't always be this way! 

 Pressing On.

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